A Modern Moron Memoir

As I swift through the sands of uncertainty one thing remains clear, I'm an innocuous freak of nature.

Innocuous is a cool word for harmless incidentally. I'm the type of person who would be perfectly content as a sole entity on a warm island somewhere. I would need frequent access to a motor boat to get to civilization to buy food and water, because if I had to live like Tom Hanks in the movie "Cast Way,"  I would not live for more than a week.

I'm addicted to the Internet now, thanks to going back to college recently. As long as my boat was reliable and I still had 100 percent Internet access and the ability to acquire books for the rest of my life, I'd be a happy soul. I really could live alone reading and writing book reviews for the rest of my life. Having the latest in still and moving picture photography equipment to film and edit band footage of The Feud would fuel my other interest.

My lack of success and appearance deficit has completely stripped away my confidence with women. Once upon a time in my life I often day dreamed of being with a sweet, soulful and  pretty wife. Bearing five girls and coaching them to a division I NCAA and a WNBA title would have been a nice milestone in my otherwise frivolous life, but so be it, I sincerely enjoy solitude.

The few, and I emphasize few women I've dated have been the ones who approached me to begin the relationship. In the end I ruined it because I'm a terrible lover and even worse verbal communicator.
Accepting my more than half over life of nothingness, I still embrace happiness. Despite being nothing more than a full time grave yard janitor, I still find joy in life. Thus far once a year I venture to Hawaii with my friends Phil and Gina. It warms my heart that their children and grand children call me uncle Mark while still enjoying my presence.

If it weren't for Phil and Gina I might have killed myself or ended up as a drunken homeless person long ago. Phil and Gina are such genuine and nice people who don't judge, and when they do fuel the words of truth, it's not to hurt, persecute or preach, but to instill a motivational incentive to become a better person. Maybe someday I will get my head out of my butt, but for now I reside in the emotional love and laughter of friends and family.