“Women are crazy, and men are stupid, and the main
reason women are crazy is because men are stupid,” George Carlin said in his
third book, “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”
Carlin said men are responsible for 90 percent of the
truly horrific things going on in the world, and whether this is the correct
percentage or not is irrelevant. His point is made, wars, rape, domestic violence, high fives, and the wave at sporting events!
Carlin was one goofy comic, yet he was also a true
philosopher, and one extremely smart individual.
In his book, “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” Carlin
points out a lot of things women must put up with in society, the things most
men are oblivious too, including myself, until I read this book.
Women have to look good all the time, or at least they
think they do, Carlin said. Upon re-reading this book, I realize the hassles women
have to go through in their public appearance.
Going out in public and trying to look good, or at
least to be well groomed makes me glad to be a man. Us males get a haircut, or
their hair trimmed, be clean shaven or trim their facial hair, put on clean
clothes, and presto, men are ready to make an appearance amidst the masses.
Women have the inconveniences of cosmetics, Carlin
said in this book. Some examples he includes: Cleansers, toners, foundation,
blush, face powder, lip-stick, lip gloss, lip liner, eyeliner, eye shadow,
eyebrow pencil, mascara, nail polish, nail polish remover, manicures, pedicures
and that’s just some of the things women have to deal with in the world of
public appearances!
I condensed the more than five-page poem immensely that starts off this book.
I’m
a high-tech low life. A man for the millennium. Politically, anatomically and
ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been up linked and downloaded, inputted and
outsourced. I’m a new wave, but old school and my inner child is outward-bound.
A hands-on knee-jerk head case and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
My output is down, but my income is up. I’m hanging in there and hanging tough.
George Carlin
I laughed and admired how George Carlin whittled the
10 Commandments down to three. I won’t rehash word for word how he did it, but
here’s Carlin’s revision of the 10 Commandments from his book “When Will Jesus
Bring the Pork Chops?”
“About 5 thousand years ago a bunch of religious and
political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and
keep them in line,” George Carlin said.
The religious and political hustlers said God, Him
personally gave them, or Moses a list of 10 commandments that God wanted
everyone to follow.
When these guys were sitting around in their tents and making
this stuff up, why the number 10? I’ll tell you why Carlin said, because 10
sounds import, it’s a psychologically satisfying number. If these religious and
political hustlers had said the 11 commandments, the people would not have
taken the 10 commandments seriously.
“The 11 commandments? Get the fuck out of here!" The people
would have said.
Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade;
the top 10, the 10 most wanted, the 10-best dressed, so clearly the number 10
was a marketing decision.
Right off the bat, Carlin challenges the first three
of the 10 commandments.
I am the lord thy God. Thou shall not have false / strange Gods before me.
Thou
shall not take the name of the lord in vain.
Thou
shall keep holy the Sabbath
The first three commandments’ pure bull shit! Carlin
said. Strange gods? Sabbath day? Lords name? Spooky language. This
superstitious mumbo jumbo does not apply to the lives of today’s intelligent
and civilized people of the 21rst century. So right off the bat, there’s 7
commandments Carlin said.
Another of the 10 commandments; “Honor thy father and
mother”. Carlin said this commandment is about respect and obedience, a simple
device for controlling people. Respect and obedience should not be automatic,
it should be earned. Some parents deserve respect, some don’t, so now we have
the 6 commandments.
The two commandments, “Thou shall not
steal” and “Thou shall not bear false witness” prohibit the same types of behavior, so hence these two commandments could be
combined. False witness is about lying, so hence, stealing and lying could be
formed into one commandment.
“Thou
shall not be dishonest.”
Carlin has narrowed the 10 commandments down to 5 now.
Another two commandments that Carlin said could be combined include these two
commandments; “Thou shall not commit adultery” and “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s
wife.”
I think marital fidelity is a good idea, but I don’t
believe fantasizing about another man’s wife while flogging your dong is wrong!
Carlin said. Combine these two commandments, because these two commandments also prohibit the same kind of behavior.
“Thou shall not be unfaithful.”
Now Carlin has narrowed it to the 4 commandments.
“Thou shall not covet thy neighbors” goods.” This
commandment is just plain fucking stupid Carlin said. Coveting the neighbor’s
goods is what keeps the economy going, your neighbor has a dildo that plays “Come
All Ye Faithful,” you want to get one too! Coveting creates jobs, leave it
alone.
Carlin’s humor is too crass and vulgar for some, but I
personally think he was hilarious and a genius.
The 5th commandment: “Thou shall not kill.”
When you really think about it, religion has never had a problem with murder
Carlin said. More people have been killed in the name of God, then for any
other reason. Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, America’s
anti-abortion-doctor killings, and the World Trade Center. For the truly devote
religious folks, murder is negotiable, it just depends on who’s doing the
killing and whose getting killed.
Carlin’s revised list of the 10 commandments down to the
three commandments.
1) “Thou
shall always be honest and faithful, especially to the provider of thy nookie.
2) “Thou
shall try really hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a
different invisible avenger than the one you pray to.
3) “Thou
shall keep thy religion to thyself!”
The Continuing Story of Mary and Joseph: It’s a Boy”
JOE
Who
says you’re pregnant?
MARY
An
angel appeared to me in the backyard and said so.
JOE
An
angel?
MARY
An angel of God, his name
was Gabriel. He had a trumpeter and I think he was wearing a raincoat; I don’t
really know; he was glowing so brightly. Gabriel said that God wanted me to
have his baby.
JOE
Did you ask for some sort
of sign?
MARY
Of course, I did. Gabriel
said I’d start getting sick in the morning.
JOE
Why does God want a
child?
MARY
Gabriel said he wants
humans to get involved and doesn’t want to make humans out of clay or dust. Gabriel
also said the kid will be a real winner, a public speaker and good with miracles.
JOE
Is God going to help in
raising the kid? We can’t do it alone, I need a bigger shop, maybe God could throw
a couple of those crucifix contracts my way, the Romans are nailing up everything
that walks. Mary, now that your pregnant, I can start putting it inside you
now.
MARY
I’m sorry honey, but God
wants this to be strictly a virgin birth.
JOE
What do I get out of all
this?
MARY
You get to name the
child.
JOE
Jesus Christ!
George Carlin
“Brain Droppings” and “Napalm and Silly Putty” are two
more books by George Carlin I recommend people read. His books, like his comedy
albums, feature films and more than 12 HBO comedy specials he wrote and
performed in are works of wisdom, folly and profound enlightenment. The world
is indeed a lesser place without him.
Mark Izzy Schurr
